i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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