Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
