I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
