What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
