believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
