i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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