I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Floor bacon is actually really good
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
