Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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