I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
