Me. At least after what I've been through.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
