I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
