Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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