JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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