hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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