I just pynch a tree in the face
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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