We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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