Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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