Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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