Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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