You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My dad is sitting where you rode me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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