He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
