Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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