Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
false alarm. still invincible.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
