I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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