It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
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It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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