I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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