i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
