this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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