Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
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