I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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