i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
