We're like a lot better than the average bears
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
