Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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