My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
