dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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