..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
