Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
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sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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