He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
