I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
