I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
