U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
