The maid of honor just puked.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
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Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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