Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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