Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
