it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
