jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
