bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i think my mom watched the whole time
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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