after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
