All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
