I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
