he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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