i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
