i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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