just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
