I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
