my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?