I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?