from now on my penis is your penis
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
