the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I need a beard to bite.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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