he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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