apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
