I faked an abortion last night.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
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You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
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I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.