Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.