hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it